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Laugh Yourself Well!
These are clean jokes, although occasionally one that is "slightly blue" may appear. But absolutely no porn is allowed. Meanwhile, if you run across something funny that you'd like to share, please send it to dave@healthproductsinfo.com with "Laugh Yourself Well" (no quotation marks) and I'll add it to the list. Thanks!
A man
and his wife, now in their 60s, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said
that because they had been so good that each of them could have one
wish. The
wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her
hands. The
man wished for a female companion 30 years younger than
himself. Whoosh
... immediately he turned 90! (Moral:
Be careful what you wish for – you just might get
it!) (A
98-year-old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the London Times.) I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of
the
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an
envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof. In
due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required of me to access my account balance
on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery. Let
me level the playing field even further. When you call me,
press buttons as follows:
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.
Your Humble Client
1.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I
noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong
one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX *** 2.
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA *** 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted
by Dr. Susan Steinberg *** 4.
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm
running Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA *** 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR *** 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted
by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the
emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a
punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above
it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted
by RN, no name And Finally
... 8. As a new, young MD doing
his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover
my Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't say I blame him!)
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funds needed
to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place
for only thirty-eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.| ©2009 HealthProductsInfo.com | Home | Policies | Contact |